Battle for Life
by Helen Faulkner
Summary: Greg faces his biggest challenge yet, the battle for life. Read how he and his friends cope with his difficult news.
1. Chapter 1

**Battle for Life.**

Disclaimer – Firstly I do not own the rights to CSI: Crime Scene Investigation or any of its characters.

I do not have personal experience either for myself or family/friends of the condition talked about in this story.

Information about symptoms and treatments are researched from the internet.

The work is entirely fictional and I hope that no-one is offended or upset by the content, it is not my intention to cause grief or suffering to readers.

Lastly, this is my first attempt at a CSI fic, so please give me feedback good or bad so I know where I can improve.

Also before anyone says it I know Sara wouldn't have been around during the dates mentioned and in the show there are serious cases going on but I wanted to focus on the characters and the team.

I do not yet have the knowledge or skill to write about crimes in the detail shown in the show.

_Ok, here goes. I bought a diary today, a journal for my thoughts and feelings, things I reckon I'm gonna be having a lot of over the next few months. _

_But this isn't going be any of that dear diary crap, that's for love sick, teenage girls. This isn't going be all about the girl I fancy or the fact that I have a spot in the middle of my face or even my fears about not making the basketball team. Mostly because I am 32 years of age and working as a CSI level 1 in the Las Vegas crime lab._

_This is an account of my battle, successful or otherwise with the 'big C.' Yep, I found out today that I have leukaemia, even as I write this down I still can't quite believe its happening. _

_I've been feeling under the weather for ages, colds, stomach bugs, you name it and I've probably had it recently; seriously I think I used up my sick leave for the next 5 years in the last 2 weeks. _

_It's not just that though, I don't ever remember a time when I felt so tired all the time, ok I work graveyard, it's bound to take its toll but I've never had a problem before and what is it lately with bruises? I only need to walk into a pillow to get one it seems. _

_Fact is these are the symptoms that lead me to the office of Dr Raymond Hope; a middle aged man with greying temples and the start of middle age spread. He sits me down and we talk about why I have come to see him; a nice friendly chat, as if I had known him all my life. _

_I could feel my self relax in that office with its neat furniture and bright white walls. The pine disinfectant smell that lingered on the air reminded me of my last holiday in Norway, visiting some family that I had never met before._

_He said I was a little anaemic and that I probably had an infection which was depressing my immune system and making me prone to illness, he took some blood samples and asked me about sleeping and eating habits and then he promised to let me know the results as soon as possible. _

_Suddenly I find myself in the oncology ward of Mountain View Hospital, being prodded and poked by a whole team of physicians, I can see their mouths moving as they explain to me what is happening, and I can hear their voices but I can't hear their words, my mind is a blur. This can't be happening, I know I will wake up in a minute and find I am imagining it, it's just a dream brought on by a fever…… _

_No such luck! So here I am sitting on my sofa in pyjamas, MTV playing in the background, writing all of this down. In 10 days I start chemotherapy, and I know it sounds weird but I am not scared, perhaps I am still numb and waiting for the information to sink in, or perhaps I know that I can beat this thing and the prospect of having radioactive chemicals pumped through my body only serves to strengthen that resolve, who knows? _

_You know what worries me more than anything else? The thought of having to tell my friends and family, and the thought of not being able to do the job I love. Well here goes nothing, I have just picked up the phone and am dialling home "Hello mamma…"_

Monday 10th September 2007

_Mamma didn't take my news too well last night, I really hate to make her cry like that! Of course she wants to come and visit and look after me but I had to let her down gently on that one, much as I love my mor, the last thing I need right now is her fussing around and not letting me out of bed until the treatment is finished. _

_I am such a mess right now, my head is in the clouds and my stomach is turning summersaults, 9 days to go and today I have to tell my friends what's going on with me. I think if I put it off, if I don't sort it out today, I won't ever manage it. They might guess of course when my hair falls out. Wouldn't say much for their observation skills if they didn't notice that._

"What up G?" Nick entered the labs locker room and found his best friend sitting quietly, apparently lost in thought.

"Huh?" Greg jumped as he realised he was no longer alone.

"Are you ok?" the Texan repeated his question; maybe Greg just hadn't heard him.

"Er yeah, just er thinking about what I gotta do today" the younger man answered, he found he couldn't even look at the man before him.

"Don't give me that B.S. something's going on with you" Greg looked away and took a deep breath, he'd had no idea that Nick would be the first one he had to tell; this guy was his closest friend, they were virtually brothers; he would be devastated. "Come on Greg, it's not like you to hold back."

Swallowing hard the bottle blonde CSI turned his gaze back to his best friend "You know how I've been sick lately?" Nick looked at him; concern in his soft brown eyes "I went to the doctor couple of weeks ago, see if there was a reason behind it, thinking maybe I needed a holiday or something" Greg swallowed again, his tongue seeming to swell in his mouth making it difficult to talk.

"What did he say?" Nick was worried now, for Greg to be this nervous around him it had to be something bad.

"I've got leu…leukaemia" the young man spoke quietly, staring into his lap.

"Leukaemia? That's cancer isn't it?"

Greg nodded sullenly, "Cancer of the blood" he replied squinting in an attempt to stop the tears from falling from his eyes.

Instantly Nick was sitting by his side, looking earnestly into his face "Mate I'm so sorry, I don't know what to say. Is it treatable?"

With a sniff Greg straightened "I start Chemo end of next week" the ex-lab tech paused "Listen don't tell anyone else yet. I still have to inform Grissom and Ecklie. I don't want this getting round the lab before I've had chance to …you know, make it official" Nick nodded, his happy mood seeming to sink to the bottom of a dark pit as if a lead weight was attached.

_I can't believe how hard that was this morning, why did it have to be Nick? The others would have been hard to inform, they are all my friends but Nick, he's been like my family since I moved here, it's thanks to him that I am even a CSI. Still I did it, maybe getting the most difficult person out of the way first was a good thing. Still telling Grissom wasn't much better._

Greg walked along to the office at the end of the hall, it was lucky in a way that they did not have many cases tonight, the last thing he needed was a distraction.

The DNA expert knocked lightly and stuck his head around the door "Grissom, can I speak to you for a moment?"

The night shift supervisor glanced upwards from his paperwork "Is it important?" he asked, he was busy and he could feel a headache coming on. Sometimes he just wanted to be left alone.

"Yeah, it sort of can't really wait"

Grissom removed his glasses and leaned back in his chair, Greg seemed even more jumpy than normal. "Come on in, take a seat" he beckoned, indicating the office chair opposite him.

"There's something I need to tell you, only it's kinda hard" Greg sat down and tried to find something to focus on.

Grissom noticed several things at this juncture, his most junior investigator was wringing his hands, and popping his knuckles apparently without realising, he was looking around the office with its many specimens and not focusing on the man in front of him, despite being the one to instigate conversation, and he looked like he couldn't wait to get out of there, clearly this was something that required his full attention. "Take your time" the middle aged man leaned forwards again and folded his hands in front of him, giving the young man his undivided attention. Greg cleared his throat and forced himself to look into the face of his supervisor. "I'm not sure quite how to say this, so I'm just gonna get it over with" he paused and swallowed again "I've got Leukaemia" Greg sighed, he'd done it, now he just had to wait for Grissom's reaction.

Silence settled around the office like a cloud, it seemed like hours had passed by the time Grissom finally spoke "Who else knows about this?" he asked.

"Just Nick, I thought I should probably tell you as soon as possible."

The bearded man nodded wisely "Has treatment started yet?"

Greg shook his head "I am due to start a week Friday, the 21st, after shift" again silence fell between the two men.

"It explains a few things" Grissom murmured quietly "You being so ill recently and the bruises. I guess you've been pretty tired as well."

Greg nodded "Well…er… I should get back to work huh? Cases to solve and people to put behind bars."

Greg got up to leave when Grissom spoke again "You have told your mother haven't you?" he asked, he remembered that the last time he had asked this question, the young man had been reluctant to make the call home, admitting that his parents did not even know of his career change from lab rat to crime scene investigator.

"Yes, not the nicest task. You know as far as I know she has only cried twice in my lifetime, one time when I was graduating and last night when I told her what was happening to me now. She wanted to come straight up and look after me but well I am not sure I can handle that right now" Grissom nodded, past conversations concerning Mrs Sanders had formed a picture in his mind.

There was no doubt that Greg's mother loved him dearly but still it was clear that her son found her overbearing and that he liked to keep at least one border line between them as much as possible. "I'll call a staff meeting in the kitchen, you can tell the others all together, save you having to … work up the courage several times" Grissom returned to his paperwork, business as usual.

_I was surprised how well Grissom took it to be honest. I supposed that is what being a supervisor is about, being able to deal with whatever is thrown at you. Still I was glad that he suggested calling a staff meeting, it was silly thinking I could go up to everyone individually and say "Oh by the way, I have cancer. I might get pretty sick in the next few months" not that I would have been able to be that blasé about it. _

_I made assistant director Conrad Ecklie my next point of call, I don't know if it is because I don't know him so well or that he is a cold hearted ass, but I had no trouble telling him my news, or at least I wasn't worried about how he'd take it. _

_All he was interested in was "Are you still able to work?" I told him that I would like to keep working; hey the last thing I want is to be stuck at home feeling sorry for myself. Still I suppose I will have to wait and see._

_So then it was time for the staff meeting, everyone is sitting round wondering what is going on. I think Nick knew but he was keeping quiet._

_Catherine wanted to know what was going on, had there been a gruesome murder in the city that needed all of us, were we being briefed? Warrick seemed relaxed, when doesn't he? Seriously I've never seen that guy even slightly agitated!_

_Sara well she clearly knew it wasn't a case, after all she has her own police scanner, she knows what's happening out there before Brass does. Poor sweet Sara, I wish I could let her know how I feel about her._

_Grissom starts the meeting off "I've brought you here because there is something you all need to know." Nice intro Gil! _

_Then he passes over to me and I give my star performance "Ladies and Gentlemen, I have called you here today to tell you something important. I have been diagnosed with Leukaemia; I start chemo in 9 days. I thought you should know" Ok I didn't put it quite like that, but you get the picture._

_Everyone fell silent, I tried to read their faces, figure out how they felt about my little bombshell, but I couldn't get anything from them, damn these guys have good poker faces!_

Tuesday 11th September 2007

_This morning I felt great, like a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I know it's a cliché to say that, but it's my journal and I'll write it how I want!_

_The radio is playing one of my favourite tunes this evening – Holding out for a hero by Bonnie Tyler – please no-one tell Nick and Warrick I listen to chick music in my spare time, I don't think I could live it down!_

_Thing is I remember this song playing when I was a kid, and I always had a dream of being the hero that it talks about, I suppose as a CSI I am a kind of hero, I might not actually save anyone like a doctor or a policeman but I like to think that I save families by giving loved ones some sort of closure when they lose their nearest and dearest. _

_What?! Does that sound too self-centred or perhaps like something out of Crime investigator of the month? Hehe actually it was a quote from my best buddy Nick Stokes, guy nearly broke my collar bone when I spread copies round the lab, gee you'd think he would want his 15 minutes of fame._

"Hey Greg, how are you tonight?" Catherine Willows entered the DNA lab with her usual tenacity and fixed her green eyes on the trainee investigator with a motherly concern.

"I'm good thanks, how are you?" the young man looked up from his paperwork and smiled at the strawberry blonde before him.

"Quite a bombshell you dropped yesterday" the ex-dancer continued. "Yeah, I thought it would be better to get it out in the open as soon as possible. Before I lost my nerve."

The older woman smiled and let her eyes fall to the report she was holding briefly "You on DNA tonight?" she asked, curious to see the young man back in his old stomping ground.

"Yeah, Wendy called in sick and Ecklie figured since I was already here, there was no point disturbing Julie from day shift and have to fork out the over-time. You need something doing?"

_So anyway back to today, work was a little strange, people were looking at me funny all day, they didn't say anything just kind of gave me sympathetic smiles as if to say "We'll understand if you need to cry or if you feel your not up to doing something." Hey maybe this is my chance to get out of dumpster diving " Grissom, I would love to go check out that report of evidence in a dumpster but well I'm not feeling too hot at the minute, do you think someone else could go check it out?"_

_I'm working on a case with Catherine and Nick at the moment, obviously I can't write anything about it down but here's my conclusion, the butler did it! He always does ;)_


	2. Chapter 2

Friday 21st September 2007

_Today's the day; D-day or maybe that should be C-day for chemotherapy._

_I'm not sure what to expect exactly, I know they hook you up to some sort of drip and pump a special combination of drugs through you which are tailored to your specific case "Yes I'll have a Greg special please" and I've heard you have to spend a few hours there while they do it but other than that… who knows? The doctor hopefully!_

_Ok so I just got back from the hospital, would you believe 3 hours hooked up to that thing! Was sure glad I took my MP3 and a book._

_The doctor said today that since my leukaemia was caught early they are going to try a lower dose of chemo to begin with and allow me to be an outpatient rather than stay in the hospital, that means I can work, at least for now. If that doesn't have the desired affect then it's the high dose stuff and I will be needing a bone marrow transplant. I sure hope this thing responds to low dose drugs. _

_I'm gonna have to finish this later I think, I don't know whether it's the effect of the drugs or not getting much sleep yesterday – big surprise, I was tossing and turning worrying about the treatment today – or just my bodies normal clock saying er its daylight you should be asleep but I can hardly keep my eyes open. Might just flake out here on the couch for a bit then go to bed properly after getting a bite to eat._

_I can't believe I just slept 10 hours! I zonked out on the couch pretty much as soon as I got back from the hospital and now I come to and its 11pm! I have to be in work in an hour, which means moving my ass off the sofa, showering, getting something to eat and driving the 20 minutes to the crime lab. Thank god there isn't much traffic at this time of night! Having said that, if I am so pressed for time why am I still sitting here writing in this dumb diary. There is something else I have to do as well before I leave, call it a coping strategy, I'll tell you later._

Greg pulled the Denali into the forecourt of the crime lab building and carefully parked. He drew in a deep breath and got out, what would the others think of his new look he wondered.

"Wow, that's a different look for you" Sara was the first to meet up with the trainee CSI and she did a double take as she looked at the man before her.

"You like it?" the young investigator asked, a smile playing at the edges of his mouth as he awaited her reaction.

"It's …. Okay, I guess" the brunette stammered, shock affecting her speech slightly.

"You don't have to lie, I know it's odd" Greg ran his hand over his freshly shaved head and smiled again "I sort of figured since it's likely to fall out anyway in a few weeks, I might as well get it over with. I'm not sure I could handle having tufts falling out every time I brushed it or ran my hands through it." Sara nodded silently and allowed a smile of her own; this would sure take some getting used to.

"Morning G, how did it go earl… woah what happened to you?" Nick was the next one in and his reaction was almost better than his female colleagues, both burst out laughing as they saw his jaw drop.

"I figured since the bald look was working so well for you, I'd give it a go, can't let you have all the fun huh?" Greg laughed happily, if there was one thing he could rely on it was his best buddy always cheering him up. "Your clearly not getting any side affects then" the dark haired Texan remarked, seeing his friend looking more energetic than he had for weeks. "Hey give it time man, if I seem full of energy this morning, it's probably something to do with zonking out for 10 hours straight. Don't think I even slept that long when I was a student and you know how lazy they are!"

"I'm just glad to see you looking more like yourself, apart from not having some mad hairstyle with random blonde patches that look like you used a tie dye kit on your head" this last comment made everyone laugh again, right now Greg could tell that everything was going to be alright.

_What can I say about work today, we had a couple of cases going on and I got to work with the man himself, Gil Grissom, investigator extraordinaire. Actually I think he was the only one willing to work with me today, the others all seem a little scared by my new look. In case you hadn't worked it out by now, the new look and my coping strategy are one and the same, I decided when I was told it was going to be chemo that I was going to shave my hair off before it fell out, I just don't think I can handle watching it slowly disappear, my hair has always been such a big part of my personality! _

_When I was younger I was always rebelling, against being smart, against having an over-protective mother that wanted to wrap me in cotton wool, against the system I suppose. I never had any desire to fit in with other people, I didn't strive to look like men in magazine or movie stars I went out of my way to be different! _

_I knew my mother would kill me if I got tattoos or piercings, not that I didn't consider it, I wanted to pierce the top of my ear for the longest time, even considered a tongue piercing when they were popular but in the end I wimped out. Same with tattoos I looked at a few designs but then decided not to bother. _

_No-one knows this but I have a strawberry birthmark on my shoulder in the shape of a star, I figure since I've always tried to hide that, why would I want to show off a tattoo._

_Anyway the point is, with no other avenues left it seemed, I started playing around with different hair styles, spiking it up with gel or shaving different designs in to the sides, then of course came the idea of changing the colour. _

_I am a natural brunette, something from my American side rather than my Norwegian side, only I hate it being brown, its just such a boring colour! I've tried various shades from golden brown to bleached white, even dyed it blue for a while in college and once tried to do a special effect so that it was white blond with red tips, kinda like fire, I can't even begin to explain what a disaster that was. I went round looking like a victim of head trauma for ages, until I was finally able to wash the red out. _

_More recently I have been favouring blonde highlights that work with my natural hair colour rather than change the whole thing; oh you know what Nick said to me today? He reckoned my hair normally looked like I'd used a tie dye kit on it, how funny is that? Hehehe_

_Boy did I go off topic there, come on Greg focus! So I got to work with Grissom tonight, I always learn so much from him, he just has a natural talent for figuring out crime scenes, like he can see it happening before him. Hope I get that good one day._

_I was fine for about 3 or 4 hours at work, then the nausea started up, not slowly either, how can I describe this feeling. You know when you fall down hard or something happens and you don't expect it and you start feeling shaky and sick and you can feel yourself sweating and everyone asks if you're ok because you've turned white? That was what happened to me today, that on top of starting to feel tired after only a couple of hours out in the field. _

"So Greg did you find anything yet?" Grissom and Catherine entered the small evidence room where their colleague was busy cataloguing items collected from the most recent homicide and looking for anything which might be of use in solving the case.

"Greg are you ok, you've gone kind of pale" Catherine asked worriedly, the young man looked like he was ready to faint at any minute.

Greg swallowed hard and looked down at his notes "Well, most of the paperwork you found checks out…." he swallowed again, leaning on the table's surface for support as his legs seemed to turn to jelly "er… I sent a sample of the blood from the …er… can you excuse me for a minute?" without waiting for an answer the ex-technician raced from the room and crashed through the door of the staff toilets reaching the cubicle just in time as his stomach gave an almighty heave and he vomited violently into the bowl.

As soon as the nausea had subsided enough for him to contemplate standing Greg washed his face and mouth and tried to stop himself shaking. With slow measured steps he returned to the evidence room to continue his evaluation of the evidence.

"Feeling better Greg?" Grissom asked as the young man returned.

"Yeah, sorry. Haven't figured out all my meds yet" the CSI gave an apologetic shrug and returned to his appointed task, hoping that that kind of thing was just a one off.

_Can't believe I had to run out on Grissom and Catherine and be sick, I suppose doing that was better than being sick over the evidence though. Hope I'm not gonna be feeling like that too often. Doc reckons that the anti-nausea tablets should help, wish I had picked them up before work now. Still I will be ready for tomorrow. The chemo might have been today but the proper medicine starts tomorrow, If I'm not too careful I'm gonna be rattling when I move I have so many tablets to take!_

Wednesday 24th October 2007

_Today I weigh in at 128 lbs, that officially makes me underweight for my height and is the lightest I ever remember being. I can barely eat thanks to the nausea and most of the time I just want to sleep. I hate to admit this but I am starting to struggle at work, and I know the others have noticed._

_Nick keeps checking up on me, I think he is worried that I might break if I so much as bump into someone, who knows perhaps I will, shattering into tiny pieces…_

_Sara suggested the other day that I avoid the pathology lab in case I get mistaken for one of Doc Robbins 'clients._

_Do I really look like a corpse?_

Catherine entered the lab's communal kitchen and threw her case file onto the table. No matter how she looked at the evidence she couldn't figure out what had happened to the 17 year old model, they had found earlier, slumped in her room without a single mark to her body. It didn't make sense; teenagers did not just die like that!

Greg was standing near the counter making some sort of sandwich, she smiled worriedly, he was so thin these days. The chemo was hitting him hard, more than once he had been forced to grab a few minutes sleep during his shift to try and replenish his waning energy levels; the entire staff was worried about the young man, right now the battle going on inside his body could go either way but she suspected the cancer had the advantage.

"Hey sweetie, how are you feeling?" she asked walking over to him and resting her hand gently on his bony shoulder.

"I'm ok, hanging on in there" he smiled tiredly, his once bright brown eyes little more than dull, grey, lifeless mirrors.

Nick and Warrick entered the room now, arguing about their latest bet "I bet you that she would not get Grissom to sign the release for that equipment and he didn't, so pay up man" Nick stated loudly.

"She hasn't given up yet though; she might ask again or think of a way of convincing him to spend the money. I am not paying up until she defiantly stops trying" the black man countered a smile playing on his lips. Although he had long since got over his gambling addiction, the small bets at the lab with various friends still brought a warmth to his soul, he lived for the excitement of the chase.

"Hey Greg, where'd you get that, it looks really nice" Nick nodded his head towards his pals lunch.

"Just made it" the young man shrugged and looked down at his meal, it was nice, made with the best food he could afford; hey right now he could use a little pampering right? It did look nice that was for sure but still he couldn't eat it, his stomach was swimming and his head, he was sure, would float away if it wasn't attached, with a groan he shoved the plate to the middle of the table and buried his face in his arms.

"Aren't you going to eat it?" Warrick asked confused by his friend's behaviour.

"I can't face it" came the mumbled reply.

"Come on Greg you have to eat, you're already like a skeleton" Nick quickly spoke up, fear registering clearly on his face.

"I know that! I just can't though, I look at it and I know it will be delicious, but I feel so ill I just know that eating it will make me sick" he sighed deeply, he just wanted to feel normal again.

"Maybe it's not eating that is making you feel sick, maybe you should try a little, eat a quarter of it, then if you feel worse you can leave it" Catherine spoke quietly, her years as a mother teaching her that confrontation was not the way forward here, what Greg needed was a little encouragement that was all.

"Nick's right Greg, if you lose too much weight your body won't be able to fight the cancer" Grissom had appeared in the doorway and had apparently heard everything.

"It's not doing a great job of fighting anyway, I don't see how food is gonna help. I have to get back to work anyway" lurching to his feet the junior CSI left the room, going hungry once again.

_Lunch was a total disaster, again! Wanna know what I have managed to eat today? A piece of toast and an apple, that's it, every time I so much as look at food I feel sick. _

_I know that the anti-sickness tablets will prevent me actually being sick, that's the idea of them but they don't stop the nausea. Who wants to eat when they feel like they wanna vomit?_

_Grissom's right of course, how can I expect to fight and beat this thing if I don't take care of myself? It looks so easy on paper, eat, sleep, get some exercise, relax and you will get better, easy. Only in practise it's not that easy! I wake up after 8 or 9 hours sleep and I still feel tired, it's like having a flat battery I suppose. I get showered and dressed, every day hoping that the warm water will revive me, but it never does. Next its time for dinner, I look through cupboards and in the fridge, I have every possible choice for food, from salad to steaks, from pasta to soup, there is even the option of getting take out or stopping by a café or restaurant but nothing ever jumps out at me, and I usually end up eating just enough to stave off the hunger pangs. _

_Then it's time to go to have to go to work, so I plaster as much of a smile as I can muster on my face, pick up my MP3 and set out on the 30 minute walk to the lab. That's right walk, I could drive, there is nothing to stop me, it's not like you can't be in charge of a motorised vehicle while under going chemo but I hopefully set out, thinking the fresh air will give me what the shower couldn't, no such luck. A 30 minute walk takes me an hour, I am so slow! and I just arrive at work feeling even more drained. _

_I love being a CSI and being out in the field but I am just glad at the moment that Grissom keeps me inside sorting through evidence or watching video footage, I can sit down at least. _

_Sometimes when I am working I suddenly feel like I can't keep my eyes open. I remember the first time it happened I tried so hard to fight the feeling, I was at work after all, I couldn't just go to sleep. _

_Unfortunately my body had other ideas and Catherine walked in while I was out cold, I was so surprised when she didn't discipline me, tell me what a disgrace I was to the forensic profession! Instead she was just really nice and she arranged it with everyone so that if I started feeling tired I could go and sit on the sofa in the kitchen and take, what did she call it? A power nap, I really owe her one._

_So anyway, after an 8 hour shift I trudge back home, the bright morning sunshine taking over from the harsh neon lights that make every night seem like day. _

_Again I attempt and usually fail to eat something, before settling down in front of the TV, the only trouble with night shift is that you miss all the good programs, mostly when I am awake and at home it's the children's shows, mind you watching Tom and Jerry or the Looney Toons really helps take my mind off feeling bad and don't they reckon that laughter is the best medicine. _

_When I can no longer stay awake I go to bed and the whole cycle starts again, it never seems to vary. Even if I wanted to go out and do something right now, I doubt I'd have the energy._

No-one could have expected the events that occurred later that day. About an hour after lunch Catherine, Warrick, Nick, Grissom and Sara were gathered in one of the large evidence areas piecing together the information they had so far and trying to find the common link when Greg walked in slowly "I think I found something" he said as they turned to look in his direction, that was when it happened, the event that would stick in their minds forever.

Before he had chance to reveal what he had found out, Greg clutched at his stomach and groaned quietly. Suddenly he was on the floor, out cold and possibly in serious trouble. As if in slow motion the others found themselves running to his side calling out his name and trying to revive him. An ambulance was called and the young investigator was quickly rushed to the hospital.


	3. Chapter 3

"Where? What happened?" Greg's vision returned, blurry at first but soon he was able to focus on the worried face by his bedside.

"You had me scared shitless man" Nick let out a deep breath and tried to smile at his friend.

"I don't understand" Greg whispered, his whole body ached and his head was spinning madly; what had just happened? Why wasn't he at work? "You're in the hospital mate, you collapsed. The doctor says your body simply couldn't cope any more, it decided to send you a severe message" the Texan explained.

"It got my attention" the DNA expert replied.

"Things are gonna change, for one thing your gonna come and stay with me for a while" Nick stated sternly, he was not going to take no for an answer this time.

_I collapsed at work today, ended up in the hospital, now I am here at Nick's. I'm too tired to write any more._

"Here we go mate, you just lie down there, nice and comfy" Nick gently helped his friend over to the sofa in his front room and returned a few moments later with a blanket "There, now you just try and rest for a bit ok?" the dark haired man smiled caringly, all Greg needed was some TLC and he was going to be the one to give it.

A gentle nudge brought Greg back to the real world and he rubbed his eyes sleepily "How are you feeling? Better?" Nick didn't wait for a reply instead he helped his friend to sit up a little and passed him a pot with his medication in.

"How'd ya know which ones I needed?" the ill man asked, his voice still sounding weak "I'm a CSI level 3. I investigated. I got these from your locker at work, then figured out that since you need one 4 times a day and one 3 times a day and both are with food it was fairly certain that a dose was due about now. The others are to combat nausea so they would also be taken with a meal, well they would if you ever ate anything…" the dark haired man smiled and Greg returned the expression tiredly.

"Good job Nick" he whispered quietly.

"Right next, dinner…" Greg looked ready to protest but the senior criminologist held up his hand for silence "I am not taking no for an answer, you are getting some food in your belly if I have to force feed you" he gave his buddy a steely look.

"Do you really want me to redecorate your floor?" the stubborn patient replied.

"I'll take my chances, now open up." Eventually Nick managed to get his friend fed, remarking that it was like having a child and telling stories of how his sister had been forced on more than one occasion to sit on her brother and put a spoonful of food in every time he opened his mouth to scream, such was his stubborn streak when it came to creamed carrots. "Bet you feel better for that don't you?" The older scientist smiled, feeling pleased with his efforts so far.

Greg groaned "What's the matter?" Nick asked, suddenly concerned, he had never bothered to ask if his friend was allergic to anything; it would not be good if he had managed to poison the lab-rat on his first night out of hospital.

"My tummy hurts, I am so stuffed!" the young man groaned again. "Hmmm forgot that your stomach would have shrunk during your hunger strike. Well we'll soon sort that out" Nick carefully began to rub his patient's stomach to help it digest the food more quickly. Greg wasn't sure that he was comfortable with such close contact, he and Nicky were friends, best friends, but this was verging on something more, love even and he was definitely straight. Still he wasn't exactly in a position to argue and it was making his cramps go away.

Nick stayed with his friend until he fell asleep; he was past the first hurdle, now he just had to get his friend strong again and fighting the cancer that had invaded his body.

Friday 26th October 2007

_I've been at Nick's house for 2 days now and boy do I feel different for having him look after me._

_I know I have gained a bit of weight back already and if he keeps feeding me like this it won't be long before I am back to normal. Hope he stops at that point, I don't want to turn into the half tonne lab tech! _

_It's not just that though, already I don't feel as tired, at least I don't think I do and although I do still feel sick a lot of the time having Nick around lets me forget about it, he takes my mind off being ill. I feel like I'm one of the guys again instead of the person that everyone feels sorry for._

_So the next challenge I gotta face, getting ready for my __splenectomy__, yep they have to remove my spleen to help me get over the Leukaemia. It's times like this I am grateful for being the biology geek, at least I can understand what is going on, see the spleen is like the warehouse for blood cells that are waiting to be put into general service and since mine are 'deformed' by the cancer it means that my spleen is storing cells that will make me sick. Unfortunately the chemo can't get at these cells in the spleen so the only other answer is to remove it, lucky for me it's an organ I can live without._

_Doc says that he will book the op as soon as I am back at a healthy weight, he wants me to be at least 145lbs before he will consider putting me under the knife, ok to some people that would be a reason for staying underweight but I have to be practical, if I put off having the op then I may never get rid of the cancer because my body will just keep releasing bad cells back into itself, and I certainly don't fancy that as an option._

"Right, come on lazy bones, time for some exercise" Nick grinned lightly and put his hands on his hips as he starred at his patient.

"What do you mean lazy bones?" Greg demanded jovially.

"You haven't moved from bed for two days, what else would I call ya?" the dark haired man laughed, Greg was already looking much more like his old self, he was still thin of course but then it had taken two months for him to go down hill, he wasn't about to turn back into the smiling bean pole that the Texan knew and loved in two days.

"Whose fault is that? You haven't let me do anything for myself since I got here" the junior investigator laughed, he hadn't felt this good for so long and the bubble of laughter that seemed to tickle inside him only served to lift his mood even more.

Saturday 27th October 2007.

_Went for a walk with Nick yesterday, boy did it feel good to get some fresh air into my lungs. We didn't go far, I am still quite weak, much as I hate to admit it, but we managed to get to Ethel Pearson Park and then we just sat and talked, I actually felt normal for a while!_

Sunday 28th October 2007.

_Everyday that passes I am getting stronger, it is only now that I realise how ill I actually was._

_Nick wants to know what I keep writing down, I told him it was just a coping technique, getting my thoughts down on paper so that I could deal with how I was feeling. He doesn't need to know it's a diary._

_My Texan nursemaid/slave has gone out for some 'me' time, can't blame him really, looking after someone is hard work and I know that I am not an easy patient, still I have a little surprise planned for his return, just something to say thank you for looking after me. _

Nick had reluctantly left Greg alone for a few hours while he went to get some supplies and have a break from being the Norwegians carer, it had been his patients idea actually "Mate, I will be fine on my own for a couple of hours if you need to get some breathing space" the young man had said seeing the tired look in his friends eyes.

Worry had aged his friend in the last week and Greg desperately wanted to repay the senior CSI's kindness, he had an idea in mind but it meant getting rid of his temporary flat mate first.

_If it weren't for Nick I might not be here any more, its not just that he has taken me into his home and nursed me back to health, I am sure that a hospital or even a hospice would have been able to achieve the same end result, at least physically but having him around making bad jokes and taking my mind off being ill has been the biggest turning point for me. _

_I think I just got so caught up in feeling sick and wanting to avoid the nausea that I forgot to keep myself healthy and able to fight the demon inside me._

_Tonight I am going to make dinner and take care of Nick for a while, I would normally take him out to a restaurant, pull out all the stops, but I am not sure I can handle that kind of thing just at the moment so this will have to do._

Nick put his key in lock and opened the door to his home only to be greeted by a delicious smell. "Welcome sir, allow me to show me to your table, dinner will only be a few minutes" Greg had changed into his favourite t-shirt and jeans, packed the blanket away to a corner and cleaned up the house a little, he was determined to make it clear just how much he appreciated his friend using his vacation time to look after him.

"What's all this for?" the stunned Texan asked looking round the room, unable to take in what was going on.

"I wanted to do something special, to say thank you. I would have taken you to a restaurant but they tend to frown upon people falling asleep in the soup and popping pills before the main course."

Nick laughed "You didn't have to; believe it or not I have actually enjoyed having you here."

Greg smiled and led his friend over to the sofa where he had set up tables ready for dinner, once the ex-cop was settled in his place Greg switched the TV on to his friends favourite sports channel and retreated to the kitchen to serve the meal.

_My little surprise went down well; I don't think Nick could believe what was happening. He's been waiting on me hand and foot for the past two weeks, forcing me to eat and getting me out in the fresh air and tonight I waited on him, and let him watch the sports channel all night. At least I assume he watched it all night, I fell asleep just after the half time show._

Wednesday 31st October 2007.

_Halloween today, you know what that means, candy and lots of it! I am on such a sugar high right now!_

_This morning I weighed in at 131lbs, can't believe it, all that food and I have barely gained anything, I was so sure I'd be up around 140lbs by now, still maybe its better that way. I read an article online about different eating disorders, now I am not and have never been fat or thought myself to be fat but my recent loss is similar to that of someone suffering from Anorexia. My current BMI is 17.8 which makes borderline Anorexic and definitely underweight. According to that I should be aiming to eat about 3000-7000 calories a day and gaining 1-2lbs a week, at that rate I will be drawing my pension before I get heavy enough to have this op._

Thursday 15th November 2007.

_Can't believe it's almost Christmas already! _

_I am still staying with Nick even though I am able to look after myself now. We agreed that the company is good for me, and anyway I will probably need his nursing skills after my op._

_As of this morning I weigh in at 144lbs and according to everyone at work, I look a hell of a lot better! Even Hodges said I looked more like the old Greg. I think that was a compliment, you never know with Hodges._

_The shops are filled with goodies ready for Thanksgiving and Nick is talking about visiting his family in Texas. Kinda makes me want to spend time with my own family, my mum and grandpa Olaf, it would be nice to be together this Thanksgiving._

_My friends say that I don't talk about my dad much; that references to him are limited to when I was very small, like how he used to take me sailing and fishing. He died when I was 12, and well I never really got to know him, not as a friend anyway. I still think about him of course, whenever I achieve something I imagine him looking down on me from heaven and smiling. Mum says I have the same smile, I think me and him are quite similar in appearance and she sometimes finds it tough to look at him and see him when he is not around anymore._

_This has to be a side effect of chemo, I don't think I have ever told anyone about my dad and now here I am writing it all down in a diary that virtually anyone could read at any time._

Thursday 22nd November 2007.

_So now I am back home in San Gabriel, sitting on mum's sofa and watching her cooking the Thanksgiving treats, its like being a kid again, everything here still looks the same as I remember._

_Thanksgiving has always been a strange holiday for my family, it is my fathers family that is American and the traditions come from him, my mother and my grandparents come from Norway. Mum usually manages to slip some Norwegian delicacies into the feast, she always said that part of Thanksgiving is celebrating our past and giving thanks for the life we have been allowed to live, she figures that our past is Scandinavian so we should give thanks to those people too and honour them by eating traditional foods from their country._

_So on the menu today we have roasted butternut squash soup, turkey with a lingonberry sauce; these are a little like cranberries! Roasted potatoes, carrots and green beans, sweet potato bacon biscuits and of course pumpkin pie. _

_There is also Rakfisk, this is a rare Norwegian food consisting of fermented trout, it sounds like it should be disgusting but believe me you need to try it, maybe I'll take some back to Las Vegas with me and show Nicky. _

_Mum also managed to get hold of some cloudberries, these are special, I think I have only had them about three or four times in my life before, how can I describe the flavour, it is kind of like fruit yoghurt, creamy and sweet, we traditionally serve them with cream and sugar. _

_Grandma Olaf has also made apple cake to be served tomorrow when it has had chance to settle and the flavour to come out properly. _

_Lastly there is cheese, too many varieties to write down here, Scandinavians really love cheese!_

_Mum has of course been fussing over me, she knows I have cancer but I don't think she expected me to be bald, I swear I told her when we talked, maybe I was avoiding telling her details so she wouldn't worry about me. _

_Grandma Olaf has spent today slipping me treats, I think she is trying to fatten me up, thank goodness she didn't see me a month ago!_

_Grandpa Olaf has gone to buy a block of ice, he likes to carve it into a shape for the table, not that it ever lasts long in the Californian heat! _

_I think he still has trouble thinking of this as a winter festival when there is no snow. He hasn't lived in Norway for over 40 years, not since he was thrown out for you know what, but it is as if each year he expects to wake up at some point during thanksgiving and find himself snowed into the house and able to open the door and select some ice to use for the centrepiece in our celebration, guess he was disappointed again this year._

Sunday 25th November 2007.

_Back in Vegas, the town that never sleeps. It's getting kind of late here since my flight was delayed and I am pretty tired so I guess this will be one of the shorter entries. _

_As is traditional for the holiday season I ate until I couldn't move and then after an hour or two ate some more, if I haven't gained weight this week it will be a miracle! _

_Mum begged me to stay longer but, I hate to say this because it sounds like I don't care, frankly I couldn't stand her style of nursing any more. Here at Nick's house, yes he cooks and cleans but you know he also says things like "Hey lard arse, get your behind off the sofa and give me a hand" at mum's its more like "Do you want me to help with anything mamma?" "No, no, what are you doing up, you should be resting…here eat this, you are wasting away to nothing…don't get up to operate the TV I'll switch it on for you…" it's nice for a few days but I have never been able to sit still for long. Now that I am ill mamma wants me to stay on the sofa or in bed 24/7, it's just not going to happen._

_I was also packed off with enough leftovers to feed a small army, say the marine corps of the entire USA! Lucky I managed to get it into the freezer. Nick's back tomorrow, hope he is hungry! Oh yeah forgot to say, I go under the knife in 4 days!_

Monday 26th November 2007.

Nick turned the key in the lock and kicked the door gently with his boot; it was good to be home.

He smiled as he saw his friend curled up on the sofa fast asleep, to the Texan's sharp eyes Greg looked a little heavier than when he had last seen him; clearly his friend's family was as bad as his for eating too much at Thanksgiving. Nick patted his own stomach; he needed to go to the gym, pronto!

The TV was playing old Looney Toons cartoons; Greg hated to admit just how much he loved the colourful characters especially Wile E Coyote and Marvin the Martian. The senior CSI remembered fondly one time at a party the then lab tech had been drinking red bull all evening and making himself hyper on both sugar and caffeine at the same time. He had been doing impressions of different TV and film characters, he had wowed his friends with ET and sent a cold shiver up Sara's spine with his impersonation of Golem saying "My Precious" but the piece de resistance as far as the company was concerned was when Greg had covered his ears with his hands and shut his eyes as if expecting a loud noise then looking up and saying in a perfect imitation of the character voice "Where's the kaboom? There's supposed to be an earth-shattering kaboom."

To know Greg Sanders was to truly lead a fun and happy life, he could light up a room with his smile or lift you out of whatever blue funk you found yourself in with a joke. He was an unashamed show off and always lived for the moment. Nick shook his head, he couldn't think like that, Greg was going to be fine and yet the dark haired man couldn't stop himself from describing his friend as if he had passed away somehow, as if this was all a dream and that having the hyperactive Californian as his flat mate was just a dream, that Greg had died that day he had collapsed at the lab….


	4. Chapter 4

Thursday 29th November 2007

_Am up early, today I am going under the knife and coming out spleen free._

_I'm not nervous, I've had a few operations in my time, more since becoming a criminologist, I sometimes think I have a sign on me saying I love hospital send me there. Seriously when I worked in the lab I got blown up, and I still have the scars to prove it so then I leave the lab and go out into the field and I get beaten to a pulp the first time I go solo! _

_I know having no spleen can make it more difficult for me to fight infection and that I will probably need to take drugs for the rest of my life but what choice to I have here, if I ignore the doctors advice and don't have it removed I may never get rid of the leukaemia, either way I could get seriously ill._

_Nick just staggered into the room, he looks like a caveman at the moment, all unshaven and scruffy, t-shirt and pants wrinkled and stained. Ok so cavemen did not have T-shirt and pants but if you think I am going to sit here and watch Nick wearing only a loin cloth you have another think coming, something's are just not fit for human eyes._

_He's really bad at mornings, actually so am I, there's a reason we both work the graveyard shift!_

_Anyway he wants to come with me to the hospital, I told him it was ok that I would get a taxi and give him a call later on but no he wanted to come and wait outside theatre for me, he can be such a mother hen sometimes!_

"You ready?" Nick asked smiling as Greg put down the diary he'd been writing in.

"As I'll ever be" the youth replied with a nervous sigh.

"Scared?"

"A little, it sounds stupid but I am going to come out of there as … not all me… like with a piece missing" Greg gestured with his hands trying to get his thoughts across to his friend.

Nick laughed "Well it's a good job you're not a jigsaw puzzle then. Those things are pointless without all the pieces"

Nick sat in the hospitals waiting area, the cup of coffee he'd brought to steady his nerves slowly going cold in his hands as the clock on the wall ticked slowly, every second feeling like an hour. Greg had been taken into the theatre two hours ago and should be back at any moment, still as the time dragged on Nick became more and more nervous, extra time meant problems. What if Greg hadn't been strong enough for this op?

"How are you feeling buddy?" Nick asked quietly as the young man in the bed beside him stirred and opened his eyes.

"Like I just did ten rounds with a monster truck" came the croaky response. Greg was covered in wires and tubes, a nasal tube was draining his stomach, and there was one in the wound to prevent fluid building up around the operation site, another one seemed to come out of the vein in his arm. More tubes fed into his other arm providing much needed pain relief and antibiotics, he was a sorry sight.

The two friends chatted for a short time until Greg began to feel sleepy then Nick left to inform their friends of the young man's progress. He knew that they would all be relieved to hear he was awake and that everything had gone as expected.

"Home at last" Nick opened the door to his apartment and dumped the bag of clothes by the door. Walking slowly, Greg made his own way up the short path from the car to the house, his side hurt and he really just wanted to lie down but he had been determined to walk unaided, after all he couldn't depend on Nick forever.

The Texan smiled, his Californian pal could certainly be stubborn when he wanted to be, but that was a good thing, he was determined to look after himself now and even more determined to beat the cancer that had invaded his body.

Greg carefully eased himself onto the couch in Nick's den, wincing as the bending movement tugged briefly at the stitches in his side.

"Do you want some more pain relief" Nick had noticed his friends pained expression, the junior CSI nodded weakly, glad that he was not alone at this moment "Where is it?" the dark haired man asked.

"Don't know, in the bag somewhere"

Greg lay back and let out a slow breath, his head was spinning and he could feel a lump forming in his throat as a disturbing thought came to mind. Trying desperately not to cry in front of his tough flat mate Greg squeezed his eyes shut and swallowed hard willing the feeling to go away. He felt the first hot, salty tear slide down his cheek and quickly wiped it away with his sleeve, too late.

"Hey what's wrong?" returning with the pain killers Nick was instantly concerned, was Greg really in that much pain or was it something else? "You'll think I'm being silly" gulping in a breath the young man fiercely scrubbed his eyes, wishing only that Nick would leave him alone.

"No I won't. Tell me" Nick carefully settled himself beside his friend and fixed him with a steady gaze that showed only concern for his friend's welfare.

"Before this op" Greg indicated his bandaged side "All I could think about was this could help make me better, get rid of the cancer." Greg sniffed quietly, Nick waited patiently, instinctively knowing that there was more to come "Now its over and all I can think about is having to be on pills for the rest of my life and landing in hospital at the slightest sign of a cold.." by this point Greg's tears were falling thick and fast but the young man no longer cared, he couldn't stop them even if he wanted to. "Mate you'll be fine, trust me" Nick gently rested his hand on Greg's shoulder, "Hundred's of people survive everyday without their spleen, maybe they lost it in an accident or through illness like you. It doesn't make you an invalid."

Greg offered his friend a damp smile "I'm sorry" he murmured quietly "I didn't want you to see that, I just … I couldn't … get my head around it. I thought it was no big deal, that I'd… I'd accepted it had to happen …" Nick held up his hand for silence and smiled "You needed to get it off your chest, you needed a shoulder to cry on. I figure mine are wide enough for the job. Take this, get some rest. You'll feel better soon" Nick handed his friend the pain killer he'd retrieved earlier and stood back up, he knew how to make his buddy feel better, a method that never failed.

"Phone call buddy" Nick passed the cordless phone over to his friend and retreated to the kitchen to give the young man some privacy; even so he couldn't resist glancing over to see Greg's reaction when he found out who was on the other end of the line.

"Hello?" Greg spoke cautiously, who could be calling him here?

"Hi Sweetheart"

"Mama? How come you're calling me?"

"Your friend Nick rang me; he thought maybe you could use your mom right now. How are you?"

Greg smiled; his flat mate sure was a tricky one.

"I'm ok mama, things just got a little on top of me. Niagara falls has nothing on me at the moment."

"My poor baby. Tell me your worries; we'll make them fly away together."

Greg smiled again as he heard the phrase his mother had used so often during his youth, whenever he had had a problem she had sat beside him and let him tell her everything, then they would work out a solution together. He realised now just how lucky he had always been, his mother may have been over protective but at least she had always been there for him. Some children barely got to see there parents, never mind talk to them about problems. Sara had never even known her parents; it was a sobering thought and made Greg appreciate just how much his mother meant to him.

"I'm just being silly; I just got back home after surgery. You know I told you at Thanksgiving that I needed to have my spleen removed to help me get better? Suddenly after being so sure that I was ok with what was happening to me I found myself crying like a baby, convinced that this meant I was going to be an invalid for the rest of my life because now I have to take drugs and be more careful about not getting sick. I dunno it's like everything's been ruined all of a sudden." Greg sighed deeply, he thought he'd shed all the tears he had already but he could feel another bout coming on as he spoke.

"My darling you do not need to worry about this thing. I know it's hard to accept that you need to take medication but it's nothing to worry about really and if I know my little boy as well as I think I do then he is not going to let something like this stop him from having fun. Do you remember that time you broke your arm and you were feeling really blue because you couldn't go out and play or ride a bike. You soon found other things to keep you occupied, making yourself a den in my kitchen and telling me to be careful where I trod because the floor was a boiling mass of lava and finally finishing the model kit that you had never been able to sit still long enough to complete?"

Greg smiled remembering fondly his escapades as a young child "I hardly think that having a broken arm and a broken immune system are the same thing mama. Bones heal, but once you take away the spleen you are taking away the bodies ability to store blood cells and fight infection."

"Maybe but didn't you once tell me that the human body is the ultimate 'transformer,' one part may stop working for a while or shut down completely but another part of the body is always ready to step into the breach. You may no longer have your spleen and I know for a while you will have to be careful about getting ill and that you will need to take meds to boost your immune system but your body will cope and you will be fine. Trust me, I'm your mother and if you think I am just going to let you give up, you have another think coming young man"

In the kitchen Nick smiled as he half listened to the one sided conversation, it sounded like Greg's mother was giving him the third degree about something and from the way Greg was laughing it was working. It was strange though, Greg was as American as Nick but as soon as he started talking to his mother on the phone his accent changed and he sounded more Scandinavian than American. Knowing that his pal had lived almost exclusively in California all of his life the dark haired Texan could only conclude that Greg had somehow inherited the accent subconsciously and that it was only present in his speech when he was talking to a family member with the same accent. Perhaps he'd point it out later on.

Sunday 2nd December 2007.

_Nick just did the nicest thing for me, he rang my mother. _

_Ok let me explain. I just got back from the hospital after my operation today and I was feeling kind of upset about a few things. _

_I can't believe that I started crying in front of him, I am never going to live that down! _

_Anyway he does his best to comfort me, saying that I clearly needed a shoulder to cry on then he let me get some rest. Either that or he wanted an excuse to escape before I started crying again ___

_So later I wake up and he says there is a phone call for me, it seems strange to have people ringing me at Nick's house, I mean I gave friends and family the number so that they could contact me but it still seems strange having someone actually call Nick's house and ask to speak to me. He hands me the phone and disappears without a word as to who it is so I say hello, wondering who is on the other end of the line and then I hear my mothers voice, she sounds worried about me, says that Nick rang her because he figured I needed my mother. He was right of course, I spent some time talking to her and she just listened and told me everything would be ok and now I feel so much better._

_Who'd have thought it, apparently I have a Norwegian accent when I talk to my mama on the phone, Nick just told me. I always figured I sounded 100% American._

Monday 3rd December 2007

_Another nice surprise today, I guess it was all organised while I was asleep. My mama came to see me, all the way from San Gabrielle! and she brought Fred Bear with her! He's my old teddy from when I was a baby; you need to say his name out loud to get the joke._

_Nick let her in and she came straight over and gave me a really big cuddle and a kiss, I can't tell you how much that simple gesture means to me right now. _

_Then she handed me Fred and said that she thought I'd appreciate seeing him and having him to cuddle. I might be 32 but I still need my bear!_

_She's going to be staying for a few days just until I am feeling a bit better and to give poor old Nicky a break. _

_It can't be easy looking after me all day and yet I have never heard him complain once, he really is a true friend._

_He is going back to work today, I never even considered what he gave up to help me get better, using his holiday time to nurse me back to health when he should have been relaxing or having fun. I will make it back up to him, that's a promise._

_As for me, I am going back part time on the 15__th__ December, once I have healed a bit more. It's going to seem strange going back after all this time, would you believe I've been off work for almost 2 months! I'm kind of surprised I even have a job to go back to, obviously they couldn't find a replacement that was handsome enough or smart enough… ;)_

Nick Stokes entered the criminal forensics buildings foyer and took a deep breath; this was silly he was actually nervous about being back.

"You're back then?" Grissom turned the corner and made the casual observation in his usual aloof manner.

"Yes sir I am. Feels really strange, like starting my first day again." Grissom nodded and briefly looked up from the case file he was reading "Greg ok?"

Nicked nodded "Yeah, he's loads better, back up to normal weight, cheerful, making bad jokes…"

"That's good" the night shift supervisor smiled, he might not make a big a big song and dance about it but his team was very special to him, all of them!

Nick was put on a new case along with Warwick Brown, and although it took a couple of hours for him to get his rhythm back he was soon firing on all cylinders, and the evidence soon put the crook behind bars.

_Nick just got back from the 'office' he's been telling me all about what happened today, how he felt nervous when he first walked in the building and then working on a new case with Rick and feeling like he'd forgotten what to do for a while. It's great to see him doing his 'day job' again, not just playing nursemaid to me, much as I appreciate it. _

_It also makes me realise just how much I miss the work, I mean I always enjoyed being at work and rarely felt the need to complain about extra hours because I was learning new things and helping make the city safer, but I never thought I could miss it. I've been thinking today that something is missing, like that jigsaw piece when I was 11 that mum took away because it had a woman's breasts on, I figured at first it was normal after having a part of your body removed but now I realise that its nothing to do with that, its work I miss. Not just the lab work, or the adrenaline rush that you get when you know you've cracked the case but the people as well. I've barely seen anyone but Nick in the last 2 months, he's a great guy but it would have been nice if the others had visited like once!_

_Mama insisted on making dinner for everyone tonight, I don't think Nick is used to other people using his kitchen, he kept asking if she wanted a hand with anything. I of course know better than to offer!_

Wednesday 5th December 2007_._

_I think Nick is starting to understand why my mor drives me insane when she stays with me._

"Not buying lunch today Nick?" Catherine remarked as Nick removed the brown paper bag from the fridge and opened it with some trepidation. "No. Mrs Sanders made my lunch this morning."

The strawberry blond investigator stifled a laugh "Greg's mum made you lunch?" she asked raising her eyebrows in confusion.

"Hey, don't look at me like that, I didn't ask her to. She got up at 6am this morning and cleaned the house, then made me lunch and both of us breakfast. She's supposed to be my guest and she won't let me do anything. Just waves me away, or tells me to sit down and that she doesn't mind. I am starting to see why Greg doesn't tell her anything. I've never met anyone so …" the Texan rolled his eyes, unable to quite think of the word he needed.

"Over-bearing!" Catherine added; thank god her mother wasn't like that.

Saturday 8th December 2007.

_Mamma just left to go back home and I think we both breathed a sigh of relief at her departure. _

_I don't think Nick appreciated having every meal made for him. _

_I think I will play a practical joke on him in a minute. Might send him running from the building._

"Now then Nick, can I get you anything to eat, drink? Do you need me to do any shopping for you? Perhaps you would like me to run a vacuum over the carpet or maybe you would like a cake for your tea, do you have any particular favourite?" Greg stood in front of the exhausted Texan and fought to stop himself from laughing.

"Oh no, she's rubbed off on you!" Nick looked wide eyed towards his friend, feeling more than a little uneasy that the overbearing mothering might continue even after Mrs Sanders had departed.

Greg laughed "Relax, I'm only joking" the young man flopped onto the sofa next to his buddy and shut his eyes.

_That was great; you should have seen the look of panic on his face when I did my impression of my mother. I think he genuinely thought she had rubbed off on me, or trained me to take over or something. _

_Perhaps I should reiterate that I do love my mother. I just reread the last few entries and I make her out to be a horrible person. She isn't she just doesn't know when to stop sometimes. _

_I sometimes think that to her I am still 6 years old, small and naive with really bad teeth, needing someone to do everything for me and protect me from the big bad world. Maybe I should introduce her to Ecklie in the ultimate Good versus Evil battle._

Saturday 15th December 2007.

_My first day back today, just working 4 hours a day at the moment until I get back to full strength. _

_Apart from not eating enough, they think that one of the reasons I collapsed was trying to do too much stuff. _

_My loyalty to my job almost killed me once so now they are making sure I take it easy._

_I was pencilled in to help Archie this morning, apparently one of the current cases has over 400 hours of CCTV to go through and he is getting square eyes. I don't mind surveillance, you just need to watch the vids and make a note of the time if anything catches your eye that might be relevant, but I doubt I could do it all day everyday. Sitting in the lab all day processing blood samples was bad enough but at least I was doing something with my hands and I could distract myself with music. _

_It felt weird leaving work in the middle of shift, telling everyone I'd see them tomorrow afternoon, yeah that's right afternoon, I am helping Catherine out on the swing shift. Graveyard can be bad for anyone's health so they've changed my schedule, its going to take some getting used to, that's for sure._

"Catherine!" Grissom called from his office as the strawberry blonde agent passed by; she stopped and put her head round the door. "Grissom?"

"How did Greg get on today?" the older agent asked, much as he hated to admit it, deep down he had a certain father-like fondness for the geeky DNA expert. Yes he could be annoying sometimes, but he clearly loved his job and Grissom could see a little of his own early investigative days in the youth.

"He seemed fine, I just got him to help Archie today." the ex-dancer answered quickly.

"Good" Grissom returned to the specimen pot in front of him and Catherine assuming that meant she was dismissed left to continue with her caseload.

_Nick of course wanted to know how I got on as soon as I got back to the house. I suppose this is what having a big brother must be like, he feels the need to protect me and make sure I'm ok. I wonder if older brothers, and sisters, I suppose, ever lose that urge to protect the younger sibling? _


	5. Chapter 5

Tuesday 25th December 2007.

_Christmas day! Presents! Oh and the house is covered in twinkling lights and glittery tinsel. There is frosting on the windows and fresh made Christmas cookies on the counter. I can smell the Goose cooking in the oven and it's making my mouth water. _

_Christmas day is a day off for CSI's unless of course there is a 'shout' but usually it's like there is some sort of truce, for one day of the year nobody murders anyone else, or finds a body or commits a crime, its nice. It gives me hope in the human race._

_I'm feeling pretty tired today, just had a dose of chemo two days ago and well I suppose the fact that it still makes me feel like crap means its working. I seem to have been having treatment for ages and the hospital hasn't said anything but I am worried, what if it's not working? I know I shouldn't be thinking like that, but optimistic as I am there is just something at the back of my mind saying hey shouldn't you be feeling better after 3 months of treatment? I still have another 3 or 4 months to go; chemo always goes on for a while because they have to make sure that they kill all the cancer cells. Perhaps I will be cancer free and feeling better in time for my birthday?_

_Me and Nick decided to have Christmas together this year, his family are on holiday in Canada enjoying the snow, boy do I wish I could experience that, its really strange having a 'hot' Christmas. My family did invite me back home but well I didn't really feel like travelling and unlikely as it is I am on call. _

_Works going well, I have become a bit of an odd job man, helping whoever is busiest so I've done some DNA work, some surveillance, some logging in, even got to fire some test bullets. _

_Hodges was sneaky, when isn't he? He had me stripping down the GC and cleaning the source, some sample he'd just run had left a nice coating on all the parts. I told him they are supposed to look like silver, not like a lump of coal! _

_Still I shouldn't complain, at least it means I feel useful._

_I think Nick said Sara and Warwick are coming round for drinks later, ooo doorbell that must be them…_

…_That was so much fun! Everyone is in the Christmas mood and even though I am not supposed to drink alcohol I did try Nick's eggnog, lemme describe how it tasted; put it this way, you need a beer or wine chaser afterwards to take away the flavour! _

_Still I am told after a few drinks it doesn't taste half bad._

_We all sat down to eat together and it reminded me of being home, it might sound soppy but I really appreciated having my friends around me today, it made me feel better. Maybe it just takes my mind off things._

_After dinner, or at least after we had all recovered from too much food, we played games. The kind you play as kids, you know charades, hangman, twister, giant Jenga… My fave has to be twister and you can't possibly know how much fun it is to play when your drunk! Moves which should be easy sober suddenly become like Olympian tasks and every time we all fell over everyone burst out laughing. If laughter really is the best medicine I must be cured by now!_

_I'm getting kinda sleepy now, full of fun and food and ready to dream._

Tuesday January 15th 2008.

Nick sat quietly in the lunchroom eating his sandwich, it was a quiet day at CSI headquarters today and the team were having a much needed rest. Christmas day might have been quiet and peaceful but they all seemed to have been working non-stop since then.

Something was playing on the Texan's mind, something he didn't want to think about, something he could do nothing about, still even knowing that fact he couldn't shake the awful feeling.

"….Ok?" the young man jolted realising suddenly that Catherine was talking to him.

"Sorry Cath, I was miles away" he smiled, that easy smile which he used to protect his true feelings.

"I was asking if you're ok, you've been quiet all day" the strawberry blonde could be hard-nosed, occasionally cold towards her colleges but it was times like this that her true feeling showed. She cared about them all, in her own way.

"Yeah, just something on my mind."

The older CSI raised her eyebrows "Oh?"

Nick smiled again; this time a genuine grin. "It's nothing" he tried to reassure his friend.

"Then you wont mind sharing" she coaxed seating herself opposite.

Nick sighed, he'd have to tell her, hell maybe it would make him feel better to talk to someone "its Greg..." he began.

"Greg? Is something wrong between you two?" she asked.

"No, no, it's just well I'm a bit worried about him. I think, well I think maybe he's getting sick again."

"How come?" Catherine asked, leaning forward a bit more.

"I dunno, it's hard to explain, just that he seemed to be getting stronger, more like the old Greg. At Christmas he was like he was before the cancer was diagnosed; happy, laughing. Maybe not quite as energetic but I was hopeful that it was a good sign, that after his down period he was fighting back and you know beating the leukaemia." Nick paused trying to gather his thoughts into a sensible order.

"So what's changed?" the senior investigator asked.

"He seems more tired, sleeping more and not wanting to do stuff outside work. I know he is eating ok because we always eat together and I've seen him eat what I give him even when I know he is feeling queasy and not really in the mood. I guess my mind is just putting up red flags that are making me wonder if the cancer is getting worse." the mid-westerner shrugged and looked down at the half eaten sandwich trying to decide if he wanted any more.

"Have you said anything to Greg?" the female officer asked.

"No, you're the first one I've said anything to. I don't want to say anything to Greg in case it upsets him or I dunno confirms my fears… I don't know what to do, the guy is like my brother, I feel a need to protect him and make sure he is safe and this is just out of my control" anger rushing through his body Nick shoved the plate violently and stood up, he hated not being in control, not being able to do anything to help.

_I think Nick suspects the worse, that the cancer is winning. He hasn't said anything but he keeps looking at me with that worried expression, like he thinks I might break and every time I say I am just going to grab 40 winks, well his expression is almost like he fears I will go to sleep and not wake up. _

_If I have to go, I am going to go the same way as I came in screaming! None of this peaceful dying in his sleep for me, I want something dramatic, going out in a blaze of glory, as a hero or at least in some sort of battle. _

_Maybe that is how I will go, only the battle is inside and I am the only soldier._

_I need to stop thinking like this, I am not going to die, no SOB cancer is gonna take me out; if this 'thing' wants a fight, it's got one._

Wednesday 12th March 2008.

_Its official, the chemo is not working! I don't know what I can write here, I never expected to be beaten by this thing. _

_How do I know it's not working, did I have some sort of psychic premonition? _

_No, I just got back from the hospital, a consultation with the doctor in charge of my case. "I'm sorry Mr Sanders, I'm afraid I have some bad news…" just like that, I know doctors are trained to be understanding, to be sympathetic to their patients feelings but how can this man, with his posh desk and his smart white coat possibly know what I am feeling. _

_Even I don't know!_

_I'm angry, I can't believe this is how it is all going to end, I am not ready to die!_

_Oh they are going to continue treating me, admit me into hospital and give me a really strong dose of chemo that will destroy my bone marrow and hopefully every cancer cell in my body – well assuming they can find a bone marrow donor to 'top me up' that is._

_Typical, DNA works against the DNA expert, my Norwegian genes, the ones that I am so proud of, they are going to work against me, make it harder to find a match for bone marrow. It's not like Asian genes where there are no donors available, there are plenty of Scandinavian donors in this great country of ours but I am half and half. What am I going to do?_

Greg was quiet as Nick drove him back from the hospital and the Texan was worried. He knew that it had been Greg's assessment today, that the doctor would have told him whether the cancer was getting better or worse and he knew that if the news had been good his buddy would not be sitting in silence, watching the countryside passing by the window and yet not seeing a thing.

"So er... what happened, you gonna tell me?" the brunette asked nervously, surprised as he felt his voice catch.

"I'm gonna die!" Greg spoke quietly without making eye contact. It was a good thing he couldn't see the tears now forming in his friend's eyes.

"There's nothing they can do?" Nick asked fighting to keep his voice even, despite the sadness welling up inside his chest.

Greg sighed "Well they want to give me a bone marrow transplant, but the chances of finding a match are … slim at best. Mongrel blood, not good for transplant surgery."

"So your just going to give up!" Nick stated in disbelief, there was a chance, however small and his friend was talking like they were already nailing the coffin shut.

"I'm not giving up Nick; I'm trying to be practical. I have to accept that there is a good chance I will die. I have to be ready to face that" Greg's voice was scratchy, hot tears ran down his cheeks, fear and anger mixing in his brain making it hard to think.

Nick pulled the SUV into the driveway and turned the ignition key off; both men just sat there, both trying to think of something to say and finding nothing. Finally Nick spoke "Come on, we better go in. You want anything?"

"If you don't mind, I think I'd just like to be alone for a bit. I need to think, try and get my head round everything" Nick nodded quietly and got out of the vehicle. Greg followed behind, retreating out into the small back garden and finding a secluded spot.

As soon as he was sure Nick could no longer see or hear him, he broke down and sobbed loudly, lying on the ground and pounding his fists, all the emotion spilling from his entity until finally there was nothing left, he had no more tears in him and his exhausted body shook as he lay curled in the foetal position until finally sleep came.

As night began to fall Nick stepped outside into his garden - if you could call it that - wondering where Greg had got to. It didn't take long for the crime scene officer to find his friend asleep underneath a large tree.

"Come on mate, lets go inside now" he coaxed the young man awake and gently lead him indoors.

Greg's hands were grazed and bloody where he had feverishly pounded the dry earth, anger and upset coursing through every pore, and once he had him settled on the sofa bed Nick retrieved the first aid kit; cleaning and bandaging the scratches as Greg just lay there silently, watching his friend from eyes that were still red from crying.

"You know I was thinking" Nick began; he had been doing some thinking of his own while Greg had been getting his head together. "Maybe I could get tested to be your bone marrow donor.." Greg raised his head up ready to protest but Nick continued "I know it's unlikely because of your 'mongrel genes' but it has to be worth a shot and anyway like they always say there is no such thing as a true American, we all emigrated from somewhere, whose to say that way back there weren't some Vikings in my family. What d'ya think?" he looked down at his friends face and saw a mixture of confusion and happiness.

"You'd do that for me?" Nick nodded "It's not a simple procedure Nick, it's painful, you'd be in hospital for days, and you'd have to take drugs…. why? Why do that for me?" Greg was grateful for the offer and he knew that what he was asking made it sound like he didn't appreciate the gift his friend was willing to give him but he still had to know.

Nick sighed "Because you're my best friend you moron and friends like to do nice things for each other"

_Today has to have been one of the hardest days since this whole thing started. No-one can possibly know what it feels like to have someone sit in front of you and basically say well we can't do anything, your going to die, I'm sorry. Well perhaps we could try one more thing but with your particular mix of genes it's going to be more difficult. _

_No-one ever considers how they are going to die until they become ill, when the prospect of it happening is thrust in their face. Even then they try not to think of it. I heard a saying once "Dying is the next big adventure" It's not an adventure I had planned until later._

_I am 32 years old, I haven't even reached my mid-life crisis yet and this news just makes me think of the things I am going to miss out on. _

_I have only just passed my exams to be a CSI and now there is a chance that I will never get to experience the elation that comes with solving your first solo case. I might never get the chance to be in love and be loved by that special someone. I may not get to be a dad, watching my children find their way in the world and succeed because of what I have taught them. I won't get to grow old disgracefully, using my dentures as a catapult or tripping up people with my walking stick and pretending it was an accident. Ok so I am being morbid, as Nick said earlier I am giving up even though there is still hope. It's just so hard to feel positive when you get told that the battle you thought you were winning is actually just holding back the invaders and is getting weaker all the time. I can't even think of a good way to put it._

_Nick is prepared to be tested for the bone marrow transplant, he thinks maybe there is a chance we'll match and we have to take any chance we're given. I really wish I could be so optimistic._

_If only I could tell Nick how grateful I am for all his help, he has given me his home, his time and now he is prepared to give me his health. If only he knew just how precious his friendship is to me._

Thursday 13th March 2008.

"Hi Grissom, Nick… I'm afraid it was bad news yesterday, the chemo isn't working… They want to give him a bone marrow donation, assuming they can find a match… I am going to get tested as soon as I can, it's unlikely that I will match but I am just not prepared to give up on him… Anyway he's really low at the moment, I'm not sure it would be a good idea to leave him alone today, I was thinking if you don't need me…Yeah I'll tell him… Thanks Gris"

Nick hung up the phone and returned to the den when Greg was lying solemnly on the pull-out bed. The Texan had never seen his friend like this, his mood was lower than a groundhogs basement and it was as if every last drop of fight had drained from his body as the news that he was loosing the battle had been pumped in. He was giving up and that couldn't happen. He just had to find a way to get the young man to look on the bright side.

"Hey, Grissom says get well soon" Nick bounced down on the bed and nudged his friend's side "And Sara says stop feeling sorry for yourself and show that cancer whose boss" he added.

"Really?" Greg murmured quietly.

"Well I'm sure she would have" Nick grinned, knowing that mentioning a certain female CSI was bound to get some reaction, instead the young man just nodded his head politely and continued to stare at the wall.

_What does he want from me?! I am dying and no-one believes me, they keep saying that I can't just give up that I have to keep fighting but what is the point? I fought this thing and I lost, end of story!_

_What if I am being too hasty, what if this isn't 'my time'? I won't know if I don't try to survive. It would be stupid just to lie here and let this thing take me wouldn't it? Or am I just kidding myself? Nick keeps trying to get me to talk to him or at look at him but I can't! I know that if I look into his eyes I am only going to see hurt, he's worked so hard to make me well again and now I am throwing it all away._

_I don't want to die, I still have so many things that I want to do. But how can I beat this thing now, it's stronger than I am._

_If I am going to die maybe I should make the best of the time I have left, even if I decide not to fight, if I give up treatment or if they can't find a match… I could still live for months. I have a unique opportunity, I know what the future holds, I can visit my family and friends, let them know what they mean to me, get my affairs in order, make sure I get the funeral service I want. I don't want people to dress in black and weep around my grave site, that's not a memory of me. I want bright colours and music, a true celebration of who I was. Look at this I am writing in the past tense already._

_I don't want to die!_

_I won't die!_

_I am going to live!_


	6. Chapter 6

For hours it seemed Greg lay perfectly still, staring at the same small spot on the opposite wall. He did eat or sleep, it was like he wasn't even there. After a while Nick began to wonder if Greg was there, lying on his pull out bed or whether he was seeing things. Perhaps Greg was already dead and what he could see was just a ghost, an image of his former friend.

Greg smiled, the first time since coming back from the hospital. "Well maybe she has a point. If this thing is going to kill me, there is no use in moping about it." Greg sat up and gently pushed his friend back "It's not going to take me lying down. I am not going to make this easy for it" Nick grinned, Greg wasn't giving up, he was fighting. The battle wasn't over yet!

Tuesday 25th March 2008.

The mail fell through the letterbox with a plop "Lots of post today, maybe… one from the hospital" Nick spoke quietly, it had been almost two weeks since he'd taken the test to see if his bone marrow was enough of a match to help Greg out and now he just wanted to know one way or the other.

Greg looked up from the bowl of cereal he was struggling to keep down and watch his friend cross the room to check for the letter he wanted, he was trying to stay realistic, there was only a small chance that Nick would match and even if he did Greg didn't want to pin his hopes for survival on his friend, he couldn't expect Nick to do this for him. Could he?

_Am I being selfish, expecting Nick to go through this procedure for me? I know he offered but he was just trying to make me feel better, stop me from giving up and anyway the chances of him matching are slim at best. This would have been a good time to have a sibling or two lined up. God can't believe I just said that._

The Texan CSI trudged back to the table and began sorting through the envelopes; he suddenly picked one out of the pile and stared at the postmark. This was it, it was here. He glanced up at his friend and reached for a knife, slitting the envelope neatly with one movement. Swallowing hard, the senior investigator pulled the letter out and unfolded it, reading carefully, his poker face giving nothing away. Folding the letter and replacing it back in its sterile white jacket Nick looked down and took a deep breath.

Greg smiled slightly and looked back down at the breakfast he didn't really want, well at least they knew now, no match, he'd have to rely on the National Marrow Donor Program Registry database.

_I hate this, why can't Nick just spit it out and tell me he's not a match, instead of just sitting there staring into space._

Finally Nick sighed again and looked up, his face erupting into a grin "I'm a match, your not going to die after all."

_Well I guess we need to talk to the national donor programme about…wait a minute did Nick just say he was a match?_

_I can't believe it, seriously someone must be looking down on me because the chances of Nick and me matching were tiny and yet somehow we are and he is dancing round the room celebrating the fact that he can help me out and make me well again. Only question now is, Am I right to put him through the bone marrow procedure? Do I really deserve the gift he is willing to give me?_

Saturday 26th April 2008.

_Well this is it; today I am going into hospital for the 'big' treatment. Basically I am going to be put in an isolation ward and they are going to pump me full of a really strong dose of the chemo drugs so that all of my bone marrow and hopefully the cancer cells will be destroyed, apparently this is called conditioning. It's a funny word conditioning, I mean it means to get ready or prepare for a procedure. When I was in college studying basic chemistry we used to condition cartridges ready to receive samples and when I was in the lab I used to condition samples ready for the DNA to be extracted. Knowing that makes it seem very strange that I should be conditioned for something, it makes me think of having a solvent added to me ready for the next stage. Guess that's what's happening in a way…_

_Anyway after like a week or something they are going to pump the new cells into me and then it's up to my body to get on with it._

_Poor old Nick, he's been having injections in his butt which are supposed to make stem cells seep out of the bone marrow and into his blood, he says he feels like a pin cushion._

_My mamma has come down, or should that be up? To stay in Vegas as well, she wanted to be with me throughout the treatment, even if she can't actually do anything. I suppose in a way she wants to protect me even now, watching over the doctors, trusting them to keep me safe. I can't imagine how hard it must be for her._

_Well I guess this is the end of my diary, for now, I can't take it into hospital with me and even if I could I am not sure how much I will be up to doing once they give me the treatment. _

_If the bone marrow transplant works then I guess I will be back to write the epilogue. If not? Well I just hope that all my friends and family know just how much I love them and that they can find some comfort in the words I have written down here. _

_I know most of it is rubbish, the ramblings of a sick man trying to make sense of what is happening to him but I think it is a reflection of who I was, who I am! _

_When I read back some of the early pages in this book, it surprises me, how much I have changed. Right at the start of this I was Don Quixote, ready to fight what ever terrible foe was put in front of me, determined to win. More recently I have been having doubts, will I survive? Should I survive? Will anyone actually miss me if I die? If I survive will I achieve something great?_

_I never wrote a will and I know it seems morbid but well there are a few special items that I want certain people to have and I figure this is my last chance to make it known._

_To Gill Grisom – My friend and mentor, you took me under your wing and managed to see past my failings and you gave me a second chance to achieve my goals. I leave to you something I know you will treasure as much as I do. A collection of Natural History books published in 1897. I found these once in a skip and wondered how anyone could throw out such precious historic items. I know that the information within is now flawed and inaccurate but I believe that past or present, knowledge is knowledge, without it we cannot survive. You taught me that so I give you knowledge and hope that you think of me whenever you look at the information contained within those precious pages._

_To Sara Sidle – I know you know that I loved you, even though I never said it. You've had a hard time recently and I hope one day you find everything you ever dreamed of. I leave to you a book. My favourite in fact, it always made me happy no matter how blue I felt, I hope it does the same for you._

_To Warrick Brown – You told me the first time I arrived at a crime scene that I needed to get my act together, grow up and dress accordingly, organise myself. We didn't always see eye to eye but I listened to every word you said. I leave to you my Rubiks cube. Being organised is a noble quality but organised chaos is not a bad thing either. Remember that no matter how messed up things get there is always a solution, sometimes you just need to take a less obvious route._

_To Nick Stokes – My best friend, you helped and encouraged me to follow my dreams and become a CSI, you cared for me when I was sick and you gave me the ultimate gift. You gave a part of yourself so that I might survive. _

_I hope it doesn't sound too big headed but I think as your reading this, your feeling really blue, maybe you figure that there is no point trying to stop the inevitable, that fighting just prolongs the pain? I leave to you what remains of my retro swallow winger (my surfboard) as a reminder that you have to get back on the proverbial horse or surfboard in this case. _

_When I was about 17 years old I had spent the day at the beach, catching rays, and catching waves. Suddenly I found myself in deep water about a kilometre from shore. No big deal I thought and began to paddle back towards the beach, I didn't see the shark until it exploded out of the water next to me and took a huge bite out of my beloved long-board and nearly out of me. I was lucky at that point that a patrol boat spotted me and pulled me from the water. I could have stopped surfing at that point, afraid that next time it would be me that the shark took a bite out of but I didn't and I kept the board as a reminder that you can't give up. I want you to remember that and not let my death stop you from doing anything you want to._

_And finally to Catherine Willows – I always felt deep respect for you, you lived and worked as a dancer but then rather than give up you put yourself through night school and became an excellent CSI. You have a daughter, Lindsey, who I know you don't get to see as much as you would like so I leave to you a watch, a symbol of time. I am not in charge of time so I can leave no more than a symbol but I hope you take some time to watch your daughter grow up, be a mother before it's too late. You never realise how much you miss until it's gone. I ran away from my mother as soon as I was old enough but now I know that I am gone and she is alone and I feel there was so much more I should have told her. Let her know that I love her and make sure your daughter knows you love her._

_I know this is not official but here it is, signed by me Greg Sanders, a man of reasonable mind and failing body. I love you all. _

Thursday 1st May 2008.

The workload at CSI had been surprisingly low for the last few weeks and Gil Grissom was thankful, with two members of his team missing he knew that it would be difficult to solve any case before the evidence trail ran cold.

It had been decided in the morning meeting that he, Catherine, Warwick and Sara would visit both Greg and Nick in the hospital after shift, it would only be another day or two before Greg's conditioning phase would be over and Nick's healthy cells injected.

"Hi sweetie, how are you feeling?" Catherine spoke gently as she entered the isolation room of the hospital with Grissom at her side. Only two people were allowed to visit each patient in the ward so the group had split up at reception with Warwick and Sara visiting Nick. They planned to swap 'places' in a few minutes.

Greg opened his eyes slowly and looked at the gowned figures before him "Hi" he answered, his voice not much more than a whisper. Four days into the five day treatment Greg was feeling pretty feeble, the chemotherapy dose was stronger than he had ever had before and had left him feeling more sick than he thought possible and tired to the point where even blinking was an effort.

That combined with the total body radiation treatment designed to knock out the last of the cancerous cells, had left the young criminalist pale and weak. His friends noticed that a rash of sores had formed by the left hand corner of his mouth, a sign that his bodies defensive system was temporarily out of action and his voice sounded like that of someone desperate for a drink. Both were shocked at the transformation that had occurred in just under a week.

"What do you think of my new look?" he asked.

"I think you might need a rethink" Catherine spoke first and Greg offered her the biggest smile he could muster, not much more than a faint twitch of his lips in fact but the senior investigator noticed and smiled back warmly.

The 10 minutes seemed to go all too quickly, both would have liked to have stayed longer but they knew that Greg simply couldn't handle much more.

After Sara and Warwick had visited Greg and Grissom and Sara had popped in to see Nick the four gathered in the small restaurant and reflected upon what they had seen.

"I don't think I've ever seen anyone look so ill" Sara was the first to break the silence and the others simply nodded in agreement.

"Do you think it will work?" Warwick asked; the most pessimistic of the team Warwick sometimes found it difficult to see past problems, it didn't mean he didn't try, it simply meant that he had to push himself more and got the most reward when things went right.

"Of course it will work" Catherine almost shouted then lowering her voice she added "I'm sorry Rick, I just … I just don't even want to think of the possibility right now."

Nodding the African man took another sip of his coffee.

"What do you think Gil?" Sara asked, looking towards the only member of the group who was still silent.

"I think that there is only a 10% chance of it working and that many things can go wrong…" the bearded supervisor began, Catherine started to protest but he continued "However Greg has come this far and has proven himself to be a fighter and Nick has a very strong immune system; which will hopefully get passed on in his bone marrow. I think we will all be sitting at the lab in a few months from now, wishing that Greg would turn down his music again." Silence resumed.

Outside the dark storm clouds started to gather and get ready to release rain on the parched state of Nevada.

Saturday 3rd May 2008

In the break room the four CSI's gathered to go through the night's case load, it was a sombre atmosphere, no-one felt much like working. "Greg'll have started receiving Nick's bone marrow now" Catherine stated quietly, staring blindly at the case file in front of her.

Grissom checked his own watch "Probably finished the infusion by now. I think three hours is normal" they all nodded.

"How long until we find out anything?" Sara asked.

"It takes a few weeks for cells to begin multiplying. Until then he could get a serious infection or there could be complications that..."

Catherine held up her hand "Please don't!" sometimes Grissom's scientific approach could be very cold. They all knew the statistics were against their friend but still they had to hope that he would pull through this. Annoying as he was, the lab just wouldn't be the same without him.

Thursday 15th May 2008

"So have you started interviewing for Greg's position yet?" David Hodges spoke evenly looking down at the sample Sara had given him, he was just making conversation.

"How can you say that?!" the brunette exploded, anger flushing her cheeks.

"Well I mean Greg's ill isn't he. We can't work on a skeleton staff forever" the trace technician swallowed hard, and tried to hide his obvious fear from the furious CSI in front of him.

"How dare you. Anyone would think you wanted him to die. I know he's got pneumonia and everything but you are like nailing the coffin shut already!" with an exasperated wave of her hand the senior investigator stormed out of the small lab.

"Wait Sara…" Hodges tried to call the young woman back, he sighed "That wasn't what I meant" he muttered to himself. "Way to go Hodges" he thought, "terminal foot in mouth syndrome that was what it was…." that was something Greg used to say to him.

Feeling uneasy the middle aged scientist tried to return to his work. There was no point letting the news of complications with Greg's treatment stop them giving people justice was there.

"I can't believe it! He just calmly started asking me when we were going to start interviewing for Greg's replacement! Like he doesn't care that our friend is fighting cancer and could die!" Sara angrily paced up and down in the break room, telling Nick and Grissom what had just happened. Neither could believe it, Hodges was an idiot, and it was no secret that he and Greg had never quite seen eye to eye but asking about replacing him when the guy's life was literally dangling by a thread was cold. They had locked up serial killers with more remorse.

"I'm sure he didn't mean it like that Sara. You know what Greg's always saying about him having foot in mouth syndrome and that he should consider treatment for athletes tongue." Nick spoke quietly, it was his first day back at work and although he was fully recovered from his donation, he was still under instructions to take it easy.

When he had left the hospital last week the prognosis for his friend had been good, the transplant had gone well and there were no complications, his white cell count was slowly increasing and the doctors were hopeful that the cancer was now in remission.

Since then things had changed rapidly, Greg had developed post transplant pneumonia, a serious illness even for someone with a healthy immune system, the infection had spread fast knocking the DNA expert into a fevered coma and placing his already weak body under tremendous pressure.

Doctors were monitoring him closely, providing as many antibiotics as they dared but it was all up to Greg. Was he strong enough to fight one last battle?

Nick found himself pre-occupied with worry, like Sara he was close to Greg, and the news of his friends struggle filled him with fear. None of them had dared to think the transplant wouldn't work.

Friday 16th May 2008

Nick waited by the oncology wards desk, he'd come straight from work desperate to find out if Greg was any better. Nervously chewing his lip the Texan glancing in the direction of his buddy's private room, wondering what the nurse would tell him when she returned.

Suddenly alarm bells started ringing and hospital staff appeared from every corner running to someone's aid. Nick watched the commotion playing out in slow motion and he silently prayed "Please, not Greg. Not Greg"

**Author's note - Ok guys and girls, time for you to choose, does he live or does he die. Read whichever chapter you want or read both. Give me some reviews either way.**


	7. Chapter 7 Happy ending

Friday 23rd May 2008

"Hell you gave us quite a scare crashing like that" Nick grinned down at his buddy. Yesterday Greg had awoken from his coma, the fever broken and recovery eminent.

"Sorry, I'll try to die more quietly next time" the young man croaked weakly.

"Better yet, don't die at all!" the brunette scolded.

"That's the other option" Greg agreed. "So where is everyone, isn't this the bit where they crowd round me and shower me with gifts and praise God and stuff."

Nick rolled his eyes "We thought we'd wait for you to get a little stronger first. Wouldn't want you to just get over this and be crushed by your present."

Greg grinned "So you did get me something. What is it? A stripper?"

Now Nick laughed, he had missed his friends filthy mind "Will you get your mind outta the gutter for just a moment" the Texan laughed.

"I can't, it's attached to my body." Greg was back.

Friday 30th May 2008

Greg was sitting up in bed when his visitors arrived. Feeling more alive than he had in months the young man was now thoroughly bored of being hospitalised and longing to return to work.

"What's all this?" he asked as his friends placed the brightly wrapped presents and a large box in front of him. "You know I was only joking about being showered with gifts?" he asked looking at Nick nervously.

"Course I knew you were joking, relax man" Nick grinned happily.

"We thought since you missed your birthday this year we'd postpone it, until you were better" Sara spoke, her smile threatening to split her face in two.

"Wow, I … I don't know what to say" Greg stammered, his eyes watering slightly as an emotional lump formed in his throat.

"No crying Greg" Warwick scolded, quickly.

"How are you feeling?" Catherine piped up, it seemed a silly question, Greg looked great; rosy cheeks, bright eyes, and that smile, she hadn't seen it for so long.

"I feel great, it's so nice to have some energy, I'd almost forgotten what it felt like not to need to sleep every ten minutes. Only thing is, I'm kinda climbing the walls in here…" Greg glanced sideways at his best buddy and in perfect duet they sang "I've got cabin fever, it's burning in my brain. I've got cabin fever, it's driving me insane!" the room fell about laughing, even Grissom managed a restrained smile.

The group of friends stayed together for as long as they could, the hospitals normal rules of two visitors only being relaxed specially for Greg's birthday treat.

When the time was up everyone left, a great weight lifted from all their shoulders, he'd come through, he'd won the battle. There was nothing that Greg Sanders couldn't do now.


	8. Chapter 8 Sad ending

Friday 23rd May 2008.

Nick heard the bell but didn't move. He didn't want to see or talk to anyone right now. A banging on the door, why couldn't they just leave him alone.

It seemed impossible that a week had passed already since that fateful day in the hospital. Nick had gone to check up on his friend Greg, after complications had set in following a bone marrow transplant that would hopefully cure him of the cancer he had been battling for almost a year. Nick remembered, he'd walked up to the desk and asked how Greg Sanders was doing, the nurse had asked him to wait and gone to find out, why hadn't she known there and then, was she new?

Nick had looked around the ward, white, clinical décor with the odd picture or card from a grateful patient. Equipment rested in the corridors, piled up on trolley's waiting…

People ambled around, some in gowns with drips or oxygen tanks attached by tubes, others like him, with outdoor clothes on, the visitors, coming to see loved ones and friends, bring them a little company or joy from the outside.

The claxon started suddenly and everything seemed to move in slow motion, turning on the spot and focusing on the room where Greg was lying just out of site Nick felt himself saying "Not Greg, please not Greg" he watched helpless as doctors and nurses from all over the ward appeared and entered that room… he watched as equipment was wheeled in… he watched as the minutes ticked past, each one like an hour… he watched as the doctors and nurses returned to their normal duties, shoulders slumped and faces saddened. It couldn't be true, it couldn't.

Mrs Sanders was with the doctor now, her face crumpled as he gently touched her shoulder, speaking those words that Nick himself had been forced to use so many times before "I'm sorry, we did everything we could, he didn't make it, it was quick, he wasn't in pain" she stood there numbly then, the warm salty tears sliding down her cheek in a cascade that she could not or would not stop.

He went to her, wrapped his arms around her, two grieving people alone in the corridor. She had tried to talk; he couldn't remember what she had been saying. Something about why had it happened, he couldn't answer that, the same thought was going through his own mind "Why Greg? What had he ever done to anyone?"

The banging again, louder now. Nick jammed a cushion over his ears, his eyes burning as the tears once more fell. Over and over the images played out before him, Greg, his friend as he had been last year, happy and energetic always smiling, always laughing. Smart beyond measure and yet not big headed about it. Then the image changed as it always did, Greg, as he had been a couple of months ago, sick and thin, his signature wacky hairstyle replaced with a cleanly shaved head. No energy, lying on Nick's sofa and trying to put on a brave face, even then he had doubted his chances of survival but he had fought on determined to go out kicking.

Nick swallowed hard. Another image now, the CSI building without his best friend in it, lonely, grey. The world was grey since the news of his friend's death, nothing seemed worthwhile any more. What was the point of locking up criminals; they lived on in prison for years, always healthy, while outside the good died young and left a gaping hole that could never possibly be filled.

For a week now Nick had not left the house, preferring to stay inside with the curtains drawn and refusing to talk to anyone. Greg's diary lay just where he had left it, the cover stained with soy sauce from an incident where Greg had fallen asleep while eating Chinese. So many memories contained within its cover, Greg's personality in written form but Nick refused to look at it. He couldn't stand it. That was Greg, he was gone and Nick did not need reminding what he buddy had gone through.

A crack as the door hinge splintered, Nick didn't care. He didn't care about anything any more.

Friday 30th May 2008

Nick stood in front of the mirror, dressed in his finest Hawaiian shirt and fixed his hair.

A week ago he had been a mess, his friends finally resorting to breaking down his door to get him to talk to them.

Now it was still hard to accept that he would never get to see Greg ever again, they were all finding it hard; the lab was suddenly a cold place, even in the Nevada summer that threatened to scorch the very earth with its heat.

The work was getting done of course, they couldn't just stop but every so often something would be found that had belonged to Greg or reminded them of him and a lump would form in their throats. It would get easier, it had too, but not for a long time.

"You ready?" Catherine Willows stepped up behind the Texan and placed her hands on his shoulders.

"As I'll ever be" he sighed and turned to look at the woman before him. Dressed in red, her hair and make up immaculate she looked pretty as a picture.

The church had been filled with balloons, and decorated in as many colours as possible. Not a single black outfit stood out in the room as the vicar began the service.

"God's love and power extend over all creation. Every life, including our own, is precious to God. Christians have always believed that there is hope in death as in life, and that there is new life in Christ over death. Even those who share such faith find that there is a real sense of loss at the death of a loved one. We will each have had our own experiences of their life and death, with different memories and different feelings of love, grief and respect. To acknowledge this at the beginning of the service should help us to use this occasion to express our faith and our feelings as we say farewell, to acknowledge our loss and our sorrow, and to reflect on our own mortality. Those who mourn need support and consolation. Our presence here today is part of that continuing support. We meet in the name of Jesus Christ, who died and was raised to the glory of God the Father. Grace and mercy be with you."

Sitting next to Nick, Mrs Sanders was already sobbing quietly, she had lost so much in her life and now she had lost her precious son as well. The Texan gently placed his arm around her shoulders and passed her a handkerchief as the minister continued.

"We have come here today to remember before God our _son and friend Greg Sanders_; to give thanks for _his_ life; to commend _him_ to God our merciful redeemer and judge; to commit _his_ body to be _buried,_ and to comfort one another in our grief. God of all consolation, your Son Jesus Christ was moved to tears at the grave of Lazarus his friend. Look with compassion on your children in their loss; give to troubled hearts the light of hope and strengthen in us the gift of faith, in Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen."

The church rang out the sound as the packed company replied "Amen"

Grissom stood up and took his place, clearing his throat he began. No notes were needed; these words were from the heart. "Greg Sanders was beloved by so many, we only need look at the number of people here today as proof of that. He was taken from us too soon." the sound of several sniffs were heard as more tears fell "I first met Greg 10 years ago when he applied for the night shift position in the DNA lab at CSI where I have been a supervisor for some time. Young and smart there was no doubt in my mind that Greg was perfectly capable of the task ahead and I soon found in this new colleague a friendship that meant more to me than I thought possible. Greg was always happy, he could make the worst situation bearable and on more than one occasion a case was won based on his efforts and not just in DNA. Greg could often be found during his lunch break in the computer area undertaking research which would eventually crack the case or helping his colleagues and friends with evidence. It was clear to me early on that he longed to be a CSI field officer himself, with a desire to not only solve crimes but to help everyone around him. It was a proud moment when I was able to tell him that he had passed the exam and achieved his greatest desire.

Not long after that he was struck down by illness and yet he continued to work as hard as ever, rarely complaining and always giving his all. He took a turn for the worse and his friend Nick took time off to take care of him, with a little help we soon saw the Greg that we knew and loved returning to us in the lab. Before the final treatment, he was already looking forward to getting better so he could return to his job. There are many heroes in this world, Martin Luther King, Mother Teresa, Abraham Lincoln, to name but a few. A hero is someone who helps people and community without complaint, Greg Sanders is a hero many times over and I know I and everyone gathered here today will miss him dearly. Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death." Grissom turned to the ornate coffin beside him "Thank you Greg, Godspeed."

Nick took his place at the altar "I'm not sure I can match that speech." he smiled genuinely in Grissom's direction "Greg was my best friend, almost from the day he arrived at the lab we hit it off and I knew that we would be buddies forever. Greg was always there for everyone, a shoulder to cry on an ear to listen, a drinking partner… he was happy to sit silently beside you if you just needed company or take you out to forget your troubles. He was the most unselfish man I have ever met. When Greg was diagnosed with cancer, he bought a diary; he felt that if he tried to bottle up the emotions that he was feeling during this time, he would burst. Most of you here today will know that I have had a rough time since he passed, I felt like there was no point carrying on if the good people were destined to die while the evil survived." Nick paused and tried to compose himself, tears only moments away. Clearing his throat the young man continued "Missing him as I did, I read his diary, hoping to find in it something that would comfort me. What I found was a very true and honest journey through a difficult period, there were good days and bad days, sometimes he felt like he might break into tiny pieces or that no one understood how he felt. Perhaps we didn't, he hated the way we all treated him with kid gloves; he wrote more than once that he wished we would treat him normally, not like the sick guy that everyone is supposed to feel sorry for. He also spoke of happier times when he was able to forget about being sick even for a moment, like at Christmas when we all got together and played silly games or when his mother visited him and just held him close and gave him the comfort he needed. Greg was always determined to fight and beat this terrible disease, there were moments when he struggled to find the strength, when he just wanted it to be over. Towards the end he began thinking about the things he would miss out on, marriage, children, his career, getting old and playing pranks on those young whipper snappers. I think that hit him pretty hard; we always think we have forever to do these things, that there is no rush. If Greg's death has taught me anything, it is that we can't take life for granted, we must live as if each day is our last because who knows when we will be taken from this place. I know that Greg is up there in heaven looking down on each and every one of us. He would not want us to be sad but rather to live as he lived, eternally happy and optimistic. Thank you." His voice almost breaking Nick turned towards where his friend's lifeless body lay "Thank you for being my friend. I will never forget you" he returned to his seat.

The service ended and the procession moved to the cemetery where Greg would be interred. "All that the Father giveth me shall come to me; and

him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out. He that raised up Jesus from the dead will also quicken our mortal bodies, by his Spirit that dwelleth in us. Wherefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoiceth: my flesh also shall rest in hope. Thou shalt show me the path of life; in thy presence is the fulness of joy, and at thy right hand there is pleasure for evermore."

Mrs Sanders stepped forward uncertainly and took a small handful of the earth that would cover her only child forever, throwing it into the grave she whispered "Meg liten baby god ha barmhjertighet med oss din sjel og oppbevare du pengeskap. JEG elske du."

As the minister continued the service "Unto Almighty God we commend the soul of our brotherdeparted, and we commit hisbody to the ground; earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust; in sure and certain hope of the Resurrection unto eternal life, through our Lord Jesus Christ; at whose coming in glorious majesty to judge the world, the earth and the sea shall give up their dead; and the corruptible bodies of those who sleep in him shall be changed, and made like unto his own glorious body; according to the mighty working whereby he is able to subdue all things unto himself" Nick held Greg's mother against his strong chest and let her sob into his jacket. Ardently he tried to hold back his own tears.

The Minister bent his head low in prayer and waited as the gathered crowd followed suit "I heard a voice from heaven, saying unto me, Write,

From henceforth blessed are the dead who die in the Lord: even so saith the Spirit; for they rest from their labours. The Lord be with you."

With one voice the gathered friends and family replied "And with thy spirit."

As the service ended and people returned to their vehicles, two people remained at the grave side "You going to be ok?" Catherine asked Nick.

"I will be. Perhaps not today or tomorrow but I will be just fine" he offered the strawberry blond officer a damp smile and hand in hand they returned to life knowing that somewhere in the sky a new star had been born and that Greg was looking down on them free from pain at last.


End file.
